Incedit Vitae
by Wolvesta
Summary: Of course, just when everything was looking up is where it all went wrong. He knew it was all too good to be true...
1. Confido contritum pt1

Evan Buckley, AKA Buck has been working at the LAFD for almost 2 years and he has loved every minute of it. There were good days and bad days. He and his team were able to save most of the people that was called in. Him and the fire fam were always there for each other when there was a bad call and made sure that they weren't alone to deal with what they saw.

He had such a close call when a stupid kid planted a bomb under the truck he was in. He was lucky to escape with just severe cuts all over his body from rolling in the glass and a nasty concussion. It could have been so much worse.

During the 2 years of him working there, so many things have happened to him and his family. His sister came back into the picture after years of silence. He met a man by the name of Eddie Diaz who had the most precious son in the world.

He hated Eddie when he first met him but learned to like and even love him along the way. He'll never forget the day that Eddie asked him out to dinner and everything looked up from there. He was Christopher's second dad; he was living with the love of his life and their son. Maddie and Chim are strong together, Bobby and Athena had a wonderful wedding, and Buck loves where he is.

Of course, just when everything was looking up is where it all went wrong .

He knew it was all too good to be true...

{~} {~}

It was just another day in the fire station of 118 as Buck saunters in the commons area just above the fire trucks. He sees Hen playing cards with Eddie and Captain when they all greet him.

"Hey Buck, there's some breakfast on the island by the stove" Buck makes a beeline for the now cold pancakes and begins to basically scarf them down.

"You might want to pace yourself there babe" Eddie says as he watches from afar.

"I can't. I didn't eat dinner last night because of the last Game of Thrones episode" He says with his mouth full.

"At least warm it up Buckaroo" Hen says affectionately and smiling at Buck.

"I can't we might get a-" His sentence gets called off when a guy walks into the station looking bold and slightly intimidating.

"Who's that?" asks Buck and everyone turns their attention to stairs as the man climbs up the final step.

"Everyone this is EMT Devin Warner, he will be filling in for Chimney while he is on his honeymoon with Maddie. He is a transfer from the 095 station and will be staying with us until Chimney returns. I expect everyone to treat him like one of our own."

After introductions are made, Buck instantly gets a bad feeling when Devin shakes his hand. Devin has a tight grip and gives a death glare at Buck while he is shaking his hand. Buck wants to know why the sudden aggression and wants to point it out but he doesn't want to be made the bad guy.

He feels a hand come up his back and settle on his own.

"You ok?" asked Eddie squeezing his hand in questions.

Buck squeezes back and says he is fine.

Then the alarm goes off.

{~} {~}

"We need to talk. What the hell was that Buckley?!" screams Bobby the second the door to his office closes.

"I thought I could make it. I saw the kid screaming from the window and I just reacted. I got to him but..."

"Yea you did get to him, but you made his family watch him suffocate to death. You disobeyed direct orders to not go in there. You are on thin ice, go home and come back tomorrow."

Buck stood there speechless, usually Bobby would ask him to explain his side of his story, but not this time. Buck slowly walked out of the office and didn't miss the disappointed looks of a few others in the station. Hen was staring in concern, but didn't approach Buck.

{~} {~}

Buck reaches his house and falls asleep on his shared bed.

He wakes up with Eddie getting into the bed.

"Eds, I'm so sorry" He is cut off when Eddie wraps his arms around Buck, tucking him in the bed and holding him.

"Shh its ok. It's not your fault. You did your best." Eddie whispers into his ear as he feels hot tears on his neck. He begins to feel better because at least he has Eddie and Chris to lean on.

{~} {~}

Buck knew something was wrong when he walked into the station later that week and no one was around. He didn't think anything of it since one of the firetrucks was gone, he figured they would come back eventually. He felt his phone buzz:

**Maddie: **Hey you. Thanks for watching the house for us. We'll be home tomorrow from Chicago. See you then! Miss ya bro! Chim says hi. 3

Buck was about to reply when he felt arms wrap around his middle. He was about to turn around but that is when he felt himself being pulled into a room. He is shoved against the wall and comes face to face with Devin.

{~} {~}

Buck runs out of the room and bumps straight into Eddie and falls onto the floor. As Buck looks up, he sees the disappointment and betrayal in his eyes.

"N-no Eddie this isn't what it looks like...I swear!" as Buck stands up, he can see Bobby and Hen looking down at them. Their faces are unreadable. He then looks back at the door he rushed out of and sees Devin buttoning his shirt and re-fixing his hair. Buck has a disheveled look, untucked and wrinkled shirt further damning him.

"Really? Because it looks pretty clear to me."

Buck couldn't respond, so he didn't. He was prepared to be yelled at by his peers. What he didn't expect was the fist to his face thrown by Eddie.

"How could you? I thought you changed after everything we've been through...did all the time we spent together mean nothing to you?! Does our, no MY son mean nothing to you?!" Buck doesn't reply...he can't.

"Of course, I changed...I didn't do anything..."

"I don't believe you..." Eddie says resigned...he walks away from Buck and goes upstairs.

"Wait Eddie please listen to me...I-I was-" Buck is cut off by Hen and Bobby blocking the way to the stairs. Preventing him from getting to Eddie.

"Eddie! Please let me explain!" Buck begged and pleaded, but it fell onto deaf ears. Eddie turned to Buck.

"Abby was right to leave you..." Eddie said in a low voice but with the silence filling the station, Buck heard it loud and clear.

"Eddie-"

"I'm done with you Buck...Just leave..."

Buck tries to follow but Bobby and Hen block his way. They tell him to go home.

He does what he's told.

{~} {~}

Chimney and Maddie come back the next day and can sense the tension within the station. He looks around and sees Eddie with his head in his hands and shoulders shaking. Hen with an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Bobby is tapping his foot on the ground looking tense and pensive. Chimney asks what happened and they explain everything.

"That's...no that's not possible.' Maddie says quietly, but everyone hears it the same.

"Maddie...I know you want to believe your brother and take his side...but look at the-" Bobby gets cut off by Maddie.

"Evidence? Is that what you were going to say? You should all know him by now! He would never cheat on Eddie!" Pointing to him as she made her point.

"He's been distant from us!...from me and our son...what was I supposed to expect?" Eddie says as his voice breaks. Chimney has been quiet the whole time, taking in the information...

"That's...impossible...I know Buck, he would never do that to you or hurt anyone. And we've all made mistakes before guys...but...we've never given anyone shit for it!" Chimney finally speaks out.

"He disobeyed a direct order from Cap, we told him not to go back inside for the kid but he did it anyway. And then the family had to watch their baby suffocate to death just because had to have his damn hero complex act up." Hen said standing up from the couch had Eddie.

"You know he never intended for anyone to get hurt!" Maddie almost screams as Chimney shouts:

"It's not his fault!"

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!" shouts someone from the background. Everyone turns their heads to one Athena marching in the facility dressed in full uniform. Behind her are two additional officers. She surveys the room and lands on Bobby. She goes to give her husband a kiss and then says:

"I won't be long everyone. I just need to know where your surveillance control room is." Bobby goes to show her where it is and waits for her return. They then hear someone come up the stairs, the officers step out of the way to reveal Devin walking up the steps.

Hen can feel Eddie tense up beside her and before anything can be said, Athena walks out with a CD and a USB drive in her hand.

"Devin Warner?" Athena asks as she surveys the room once more. Said person stands up and approaches the uniformed officers.

"Yes officer?"

"Devin Warner, you are under arrest." Everyone begins to shout protests.

"Woah Athena what is all this about?" asks Hen taking her place next to Athena. Hen receives the most heated glare she has ever seen on Athena's face and back away slightly.

"Devin Warner you are under arrest for aggressive battery, impersonating an EMT, and attempted sexual assault against Evan Buckley."


	2. Confido contritum pt2

Silence filled the room when Athena placed Devin under arrest. The two officers were there to make sure the situation didn't spiral out of control. They were prepared for Devin to start thrashing, they were prepared for him to swing and do anything to escape. What they were not prepared for was Eddie throwing himself at Devin. He barely was able to land a punch when the two officers pulled him back from Devin, who was now on the floor, bleeding from the nose.

"What did you do to him?! What the fuck did you do to him you motherfucker?!" Eddie demanded as he was being held back by Bobby and Chimney now. Devin only smirked and began to laugh, as he found this whole situation funny.

"What the fuck is so funny?!" Eddie screams as Maddie takes off to her house. She had to check on him.

"What did you do to him?!" demands Eddie one last time.

"Nothing that the bastard didn't deserve. I only meant to rough him up a little. You all did the rest of the work. Breaking up with him, making him feel like he was nothing, kicking him out of the only job he has ever known. I figured you would all help him, but I was wrong, looks like he didn't matter to any of you. His supposed best friend *he looks at Hen* didn't care. His captain fired him and look...his boyfriend didn't trust him enough to believe him." Devin smirks as he is dragged away.

"Just so you know, I told Buck to rescue the kid from the fire. I told him that I would go in, but I was assisting the mother. He volunteered and I told him that the house was stable...I was hoping he would perish in there but it didn't work! I did what I had to do!" shouts Devin has he is placed in the police car.

No one spoke a word in the amount of time that it took the officers to put Devin in a car and took him away for questioning. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Athena spoke:

"What did he mean? When he said you didn't believe him?" she looks to Bobby. Guilt begins to pool in everyone's gut. Chimney for not being here when it happened, Bobby for not listening to someone who he considered his son, Hen for not giving Buck a chance to explain himself but it was the worst for Eddie. He threw his boyfriend, the love of his life and second father to Christopher. He hurt him, he punched him and he kicked him out of his life. And worst of all, his boyfriend was almost sexually assaulted by one of their own.

Bobby wanted to lie to his wife. He didn't want to have this conversation, but that's how his last marriage fell apart, this one might too. Again, it was his fault. Bobby explains everything.

{~} {~}

"I'm so sorry Athena..." Bobby said when he was done explaining what happened. Athena just stares at Bobby in complete disbelief.

"It's not me who you should apologize to. That boy has been with us for almost 3 years. You all seen him grow up. He pulled himself out of his depression when Abby dumped him. He helps everyone around him in anyway shape or form. He was there for you Bobby when you needed him to be. He was there for you Hen when you and your wife were going through a rough patch and recommended a lawyer when Eva was suing for Denny. And Eddie...he was there for your son whenever he needed him. He introduced you to Carla to help you with your son. He LOVES Christopher with everything he has got. He loves you with everything he's got."

By the time Athena is finished, she tosses the CD onto the table by the TV. Eddie in silently sobbing into his hands and Hen is no different. Bobby is desperately trying to hold it together. Chimney was staring at his coworkers in disbelief. He never knew they were capable of this. Athena is right, he saw firsthand how Buck had matured from a guy who slept around like it was his lifeline to someone who was a loyal man and father.

Athena took a deep breath and then spoke: "Since you never took Buck for his word, you should see for yourselves what happened. I just hope you can apologize to him before something bad happens. He was inconsolable last night."

"What do you mean last night?" asked Eddie as he shoots his head up in a panic. "He didn't come home last night..."

"What were you expecting Eddie? You dumped him after the incident. He spent the night at his sister's house...at least that's where I dropped him off..."

"He came to you last night?..." asks Chimney, wanting to know the whole story.

"He didn't have anyone else to turn to. Carla was watching Christopher and he didn't want to unload on her. Chimney and Maddie were still on vacation and he didn't want to spoil it...he called me when..." Athena was hesitant to continue the story.

"When what?" asked Bobby urging Athena to finish the story.

"...He was in a park when I found him. He said he couldn't go on feeling like it was his fault-" Eddie interrupts her

"But it wasn't his fault!" Eddie exclaims, desperately fighting the urge to run to his home and find Buck. To beg him for forgiveness, to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok, to tell him that it's not his fault.

"Of course, it wasn't his fault...but you sure as hell made him feel like it was. He told me that something bad happened at work. He wouldn't tell me what, but all he said was to look at the surveillance video...If I had known what happened, I would never have left him alone. You better pray he will even look at you after this." Athena glares at the team and walks back down the stairs.

{~} {~}

No one seems to move, but no one can keep their eyes off of the CD.

They load it up.

{~} {~}

_**Trigger Warning: Violence + Sexual Assault**_

Buck is leaning against the pole, looking down at his phone, back to the opening of the station. Buck smiled at his phone looked like he was typing something. He had his back turned to an approaching Devin, a purpose in his step. Buck stands up straighter to type something out on his phone and still doesn't see the larger man standing behind him. Devin wraps his arms around the waist of Buck. Buck doesn't pay any mind to it for a second but then he looks confused and is about to turn around when he is pulled into a room known as the Dorm Area.

Devin pushes Buck into the room and slams the door and locks it behind him. He then picks up Buck and shoves him against the wall using his left arm to pin Buck against the wall. Devin has a look in his eyes that no one wants to be on the receiving end of. Devin leans into Buck personal space

"I finally got you..." Devin whispers in Buck's ear while he is trying to loosen Devin's grip. It only angers Devin more as he pushes his arm deeper into Buck's neck.

" Get..the..hell off me!" Buck yells hoarsely as he struggles to breathe. He weakly tries to hit Devin to hopefully him off. Devin then punches Buck in the stomach and lets him fall to the ground. Buck curls up and holds his stomach on the ground. He curls further into himself when he hears Devin approaching. Devin picks up Buck from his hair and he begins to thrash around, trying to make Devin let go of his hair, tears streaming down his face.

"Please...please let me go!" Buck half shouts and half sobs but is cut short when Devin knees him in the side. Buck shouts in pain and begins to sob even louder.

"Quit your crying you useless bastard!" screams Devin in Buck's ear as he shoves him against one of the beds that were in the room. Buck stops thrashing and begins to kick the air, hoping to whoever was listening that someone would walk in or it would catch Devin. But it doesn't work.

Devin applies his full body weight onto Buck, preventing his escape. Devin then starts to unbutton his own shirt and pushes up Buck's and can see the dark bruises beginning to form from the punches. Devin places his hand on Buck's stomach and makes his way downward. Buck tries to continue to kick and gets lucky and it lands on Devin's stomach.

It wasn't much but it was enough. Buck tries to escape but is kicked to the ground.

"Please...please...PLEASE LET ME GO!" Buck screams as Devin brings his foot further on Buck's bruised stomach.

"What did I ever do to you? I don't even know you!" Buck sobs into the ground.

"You may not know me" Devin removes his foot but Buck is too weak to get up, Devin kneels and says. "but you knew my brother. After all, you were the one that let him fall off the roller coaster" Devin says in a whisper. He grabs Buck by the shoulder, lifts him and scoffs:

"So useless, couldn't even save a child from a fire...pathetic" Buck can maneuver out of Devin's hold and finally escapes the room.

{~} {~}

Maddie rushes into her house, desperation seeping into every fiber of her being. She knew something was wrong when she enters the house. Call it sibling instinct, but she knew her little brother was going to need some help. All she knew was her brother was hurt by a man he didn't know, hurt by his boyfriend, and hurt by those who were supposed to have his back at all times.

She can deal with them later, right now she had a brother to save.

Maddie first checks in her guest bedroom for signs of Buck, she then checks the living room, guest room and all areas of the house. When she remembers that she hasn't checked the bathroom, she feels a sense of dread takes a hold of her body. She rushes to the bathroom.

It is locked.

"Buck...are you in there...please open the door..." Maddie says as she feels her voice welling up with sadness.

"Please...please open the door...I know what they did to you...I didn't believe that you would do that to Eddie...I know you love him too much..." Silence...then

"I was going to propose to him last night...we were supposed to have a date last night and I was going to ask him to marry me but now..." Buck is unable to finish his sentence before Maddie hears the door unlock. The door opens and Buck is sitting in the corner by the bathtub. Head in between his arms and legs were drawn up to his chest.

Maddie knows exactly what to do...

This isn't the first time...

Maddie kneels to his level and sits beside him. And says nothing.

He'll talk to me when he's ready...it shouldn't belong... Maddie hears something from Buck. Maddie gently asks him to say it again, but louder.

"...but now it's over...he didn't believe me...what am I supposed to do?" Buck cries out in despair as he throws his arms around Maddie and begins to cry against her shoulder. Maddie doesn't hesitate to return the hug. She begins to slowly rock him back and forth and hums a song that used to calm him down as a kid.

After a while, he wiped his tears.

"How are you feeling after...what Devin did?"

"You...you saw that?" Buck asks, eyes widening in panic.

"No. ..I only heard Athena place Devin under arrest" Maddie feels Buck tense up under her touch as she mentions Devin, then she realized:

"He can't hurt you anymore Evan..."

"You don't know that ..." Buck's voice waivers.

"Athena won't let that bastard out of her sight, Not even for a second. She'll keep you safe, Chimney and I can keep you safe."

"I can't-no-I won't ask this of you sis."

"You kept me safe from Doug, and helped me through the ordeal after everything... it is my turn to help you now," Maddie says. A tearful smile faintly on her face as she feels Buck relax in her hold. But then he completely collapses on her. Maddie tries to wake Buck up to take him to the bed, but...something Is wrong.

He's not waking up.

Her skills and instincts of a nurse are kicking in as she pushed her feelings of anxiety down. She checks his pulse and it's there, but it's a little weak, and she notices that he isn't breathing very well. She opens his eyes and shines her flashlight from her phone in his eyes. She sees that they aren't very responsive.

Maddie's anxiety spikes up when she sees blood flowing from his mouth.

She quickly turns him over and maneuvers his body so it can be in the rescue position. When she turns him, his shirt rides up and she sees something on his skin.

Buck's stomach and chest area is a sea of purple, blue, and angry red marks.

That's when Maddie calls 9-1-1. This is out of her control.

" 9-1-1 what is your emergency?"

"This is 9-1-1 Operator Maddie Buckley. I need an ambulance ASAP; my brother has internal abdominal and chest bleeding."


	3. Confido contritum pt3

They were soundless figures coming in and out of his hospital room. Doctors and nurses checking his vitals, always asking if he is ok. And every time they ask, it's the same response:

_I'm fine_

The only constant in the two days he was in the hospital was Maddie and Chimney.

Maddie had blocked Eddie from coming into the room. She allowed Hen and Bobby to come a quickly say hello.

Asking how he is.

Asking how he is feeling.

Asking for forgiveness.

**For assuming and watching what happened without asking. **

Buck says he forgives them for assuming that he cheated. He begged everyone to keep it to themselves.

"_We won't tell anyone...we promise," Chimney says, squeezing Buck's hand in reassurance. _

_Everyone agrees._

_"But you need to talk to someone Evan. ..you can't bottle this up and not say anything...remember what happened last time you didn't talk to anyone," Maddie says the last part in his ear quietly so only he and she could hear._

"Papa!" Buck's head and body turn so quickly that he is surprised he didn't get whiplash, but his torso paid the price. He tried not to let it show it hurt so much.

_Not in front of Christopher._

Christopher strides into the room, the unmistakable sound of his crutches getting louder as he approaches the bed. Buck gives a blinding smile at the sight of his-

_Does our, no MY son mean nothing to you?!_

"Hey, buddy!" Buck says as he sits straighter in the bed. He lifts Christopher into the bed and the boy instantly goes in for a hug. Buck happily returns it. This small boy who just turned nine, already making him feel better despite everything that is happening.

"How you feeling Buckaroo?" asks a voice in front of him. Buck looks up and sees Carla standing at the foot of his bed.

"Carla? Yo-you're here?" Buck asks as Christopher begins to fall asleep against him. Carla drapes a blanket over them both.

"of course, I'm here. When I hear one of my favorite boys is in the hospital...I'm there," says Carla as she takes a seat on the edge of the bed next to Buck.

"One of your favorites?" Buck asks producing a small smile.

"Well, Chris is the other one right now...Eddie...not so much." Carla says as she takes Buck's hand. Said person looks down at the thought of Eddie.

"What am I supposed to do now? I lost him...it was my fault and I lost-" Buck gets interrupted by Carla lightly smacking him in the chest. Buck looks up at Carla confused.

"Never blame yourself for something like this Buck, you didn't ask for this...this isn't your fault."

"I should have fought back...maybe if I had tried harder...god I've lost everything..." Carla can tell Buck is fighting back tears. Carla squeezes his hand in encouragement.

"You haven't lost everything Buck, you still have the others, and you still have me."

"What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?"

"What do you want to do hun?" Carla asks.

"I... I want to go back to work. But I know I won't be cleared until I get therapy...even if I'm cleared...I can't go back to work knowing that Eddie is still at the same station...but I don't want him to lose his job either...this is all so frustrating!" Buck says that last part a little loud but not too loudly because Christopher starts to stir.

"Well instead of tackling everything at once, why don't you start with one thing and go from there. What do you want to do first?"

"Well...I don't think I can go back to work with Eddie in the same space, it's just too much right now...I don't think I can face him..."

_At least not yet_

"mhmm, and how does that make you feel?" Carla asks carefully, hoping that Buck can begin to open up, at least a little bit.

"I know what you doing Carla...but I don't know how..." Carla raised her head, asking him to continue.

I don' t know how to talk about it because I feel that...that my facts aren't straight. I mean I know it happened...but everything is still a little blurred together. I still don't remember how I got home. I still don't know why I didn't fight back immediately when he grabbed me from behind. He was just really...really intimidating. It may sound weird but...there was a small fraction of my mind saying not to fight back...only because it seemed like it was the only way to make him stop...this is so complicated..."

"You know it's ok to have complicated feelings about this whole thing...just be kind to yourself honey," says a voice from the door. They both look up and see Athena, in uniform standing and leaning against the door.

"H-how much did you hear?" Buck asks, anxiety spiking.

"Only when you said that it's complicated. I was assuming you mean your emotions." Buck slightly smiles.

"Don't stop on my account Buck...keep talking. We're here for you." Athena says as she sits in the chair beside Carla. Athena lays her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it in encouragement. It was then Christopher wakes up and asks someone to help him to the bathroom. Carla takes Christopher down the hall, leaving Athena and Buck to talk.

"You know you don't need to be here, I should be able to deal with this on my own..."

"Before I comment on that, I am here to tell you something...it pertains to your case...it's about Devin," Athena said the last part hesitantly. She regretted it instantly when she saw the look in Buck's eyes.

_The dark room...not dark enough considering he can still see Devin's face. The disgust and hate are still visible in his features. The rage and fire in his eyes. He can still feel the cold hands against his skin, his heart beating uncontrollably in his chest. The touches of the man in front of him cold, but they burn when Devin applies pressure...holding him down, preventing his escape..._

_He's still there...he never left, he never left, he never escaped-he was still trapped!_

_He hesitantly looks into the eyes of his assaulter...he expected the red and fire he keeps seeing, but he sees brown eyes._

_Devin had green eyes_

_What was happening? He should feel scared..._

_but all he feels is calm and safety and_

_...exhaustion_

{~} {~}

"What happened?" Buck asks as he opens his eyes again. He didn't remember falling asleep. He feels a hand on his own. He looks and sees Athena again. No longer in her uniform, but in civilians clothing.

"You had a panic attack, sweetie. I had to tell you something...but it triggered a flashback and for that, I am so sorry that too happened to you. The nurse gave you a light sedative to calm you down but you fell asleep. It's still Tuesday, it's just the end of the day" Buck processes these words slowly to not work himself into another panic attack.

"O-ok w-wait where's Christopher?" asks Buck after realizing that it's later in the day and his-Christopher is gone.

"Carla took him home. Don't worry honey, he's safe. Right now, we need to focus on you getting better."

"I can handle it, Athena, don't worry about me."

"Buck...remember when you started and you were as you claim Buck 1.0? And everyone would always call you childish, irresponsible, and bad at your job? Look at you now...you're pretty much a fully functioning adult, even if you do still the mind of a child" Athena winks.

"But Buck, you need to understand, that being a functional adult doesn't mean dealing with this situation and everything else by yourself. It's ok to get help from others."

"How can I though...I don't think I'm up to it...at least not yet...but I know that I want to get help...I just don't know any therapists...the last time I went to one...I slept with her"

"You can see mine. They're great. Whenever you're ready, we'll be right here" Athena texts the therapist's number to Buck.

_The world is no longer completely on his shoulders_

{~} {~}

The rest of the week goes by fast. Maddie is currently assisting her brother in her house. The doctor said to take it easy. The second Buck left the hospital Maddie dragged him back to her house. Buck refused to at first because he did not want to impose on Maddie and Chimney.

Not when they just started living together and their back from their honeymoon. He wants to go to his own home but he lives with Eddie and Christopher.

"You're staying here with us Evan. Whether you like it or not. You let me stay with you when I left Doug...let me return the favor." Maddie says helping Buck to the bed in her guest room, being mindful of his still bruised and sore chest.

"You're different Mads...Eddie isn't...wasn't an abusive asshole who controlled every little thing I did."

"I know Eddie isn't like Doug...but he still had no right to do that to you. As your boyfriend, he should have been there to support you in this traumatic time. He shouldn't have assumed that you would cheat on him." Maddie said as she draped a blanket over Buck as he settled on the bed.

"I can't sleep Maddie...every time I close my eyes; all I see is him and I'm back in that room," Buck says as he burrows himself further into the guest bed's duvet.

"it's ok Buck, you always try to protect me when we were little and even now. But sometimes we are going to get hurt. How about tonight, you let me be the one protecting you." Maddie says as she runs her fingers through his hair, soothing him to sleep as she used to when they were kids.

He drifted off to a familiar song.

{~} {~}

In the week that followed, Bobby, Hen, Athena, and others came to see him.

They caught up.

Bobby cooked lunch for everyone. Enough that there's extra for dinner.

Hen brought Karen and Denny and they played cards together while Christopher played with Denny.

Chimney lived there but still played Super Smash Bros. with Buck.

Athena set him up with the therapist.

There's an appointment in 2 days.

It was perfect.

_Almost perfect_

{~} {~}

_Therapy isn't so bad._

_Buck thinks he might get used to it._

_It doesn't mean he liked what the therapist had to say for the next steps._

_"You have to do this to better yourself. You have to do this so you can be there for those who love you. Think of your sister, more importantly, think of your son."_

_Evan Buckley knows what he has to do...but he hates it._

{~} {~}

Buck strides into the 118 station like a man on a mission.

He has one mission and he won't fail.

Buck finds Bobby in the common area. Hen, Chimney, and Eddie are there.

He spares no glance at Eddie. He knows that the look in his eyes will break him.

"Evan..." Eddie says as Buck makes his way over to Bobby. Buck says nothing as he hands Bobby papers. Bobby notes the glassy look in Buck's eyes.

"Transfer papers?" Bobby asks as he looks up from the folder.

"I already got the job at a different station, I just wanted to deliver the papers in person."

They tried to talk him out of it.

They wanted him to stay.

But he can't

Eddie says he'll transfer stations if it means him staying.

"It's not out of state or anything drastic, it just in another jurisdiction. I want to stay close for Christopher. I won't stop seeing him. Even if he's not my son anymore." Buck says as he begins to walk towards the stairs. Eddie tries to stop him, to beg him to stay, to let him explain.

_To come back home_

_But he can't_

"I can't keep killing myself every day wondering why I wasn't good enough for you to help me. I just wanted to talk to you. To get you to understand that I would never hurt you." Buck says as tears run down his face. Eddie wants nothing more than to wipe his tears away and hold him. But he can't. He lost that right.

"I started going to therapy again...and they told me to fully heal, I have to cut all ties with the people who hurt me. But I find myself not being able to do that because of Christopher. I won't leave him. I'll never leave him. I'll always be there for him." Buck says as he wipes the tears away from his face.

"See you later everyone. I'll come see Christopher later." Buck says as he walks down the stairs and out the station.

{~} {~}

_Years later._

_Buck feels safety and love as he turns towards the man sharing his bed._

_"Hey you." says the voice as Buck closes his eyes._

_"Hey, yourself," Buck replies, smiling as he's pulled closer to the one in the bed._

_Buck smiles as he feels their daughter and son laugh behind the closed doors. _


	4. Reficientes fragmentis pt1

Buck visits Christopher almost every day.

He picks him up from school, takes him out for ice cream and helps him with his homework until Eddie comes home. He never looks at Eddie or stops to talk to him. Eddie tries and tries to get Buck to talk to him.

But he won't.

He's only there for Christopher.

The days he doesn't visit are the days that Eddie has off.

Buck knows that Christopher is a smart boy, but sometimes Buck tends to forget that Christopher is also very observant.

Buck is at the park with Christopher on a sunny Saturday afternoon. One of the rare days that Buck has the whole day off.

"Papa?"

"Yeah, buddy?" Buck asks as he lifts Christopher to sit on the brick wall next to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Always what's up?"

"Do you still want me?" asks Christopher in a hesitant voice. Well...Buck wasn't expecting that as a question. Buck is about to answer but before he does:

"I know that daddy did something bad...and that's why we don't live together anymore, and why you aren't together anymore...but do you still want me as a son?" asks Christopher on the verge of tears. Buck gets off the wall and stands in front of Christopher, he puts his hands on both of his little shoulders.

"Of course, I still want you as a son. What brought this on buddy?" Christopher then begins to shed a few tears as Buck brings his son in for a hug. He runs his fingers through the soft blonde curls in a comforting gesture.

"I have a friend as school, wh-who said that her mom an-and dad who separated and the dad doesn't come visit her an-anymore." Christopher stutters out through tears. Buck tightens his hold on him.

"Listen to me Christopher, no matter what happens, no matter where our paths take us, I will always" he pauses to make eye contact with Christopher. "Always be there for you. No matter what day or time it is, I will always be here for you. Do you know why?" asks Buck wiping the tears away from Christopher's face. He nods no.

"Because you" Buck boops his nose as he says this which elicits a small smile from Christopher. "are my son and I love you with everything I've got, and I always will ok?"

"Ok, papa. I love you" Christopher says as he leans up to Buck for a hug.

"I love you too buddy. I always will." Buck says ruffling his hair and kissing him on top of the head.

{~} {~}

His new team isn't so bad, he just doesn't know them that well.

His new team consists of over 15 people, but over 7.5 months, he grows close to two people in particular.

Rebecca Williams and Michelangelo Cooper.

Rebecca is a native German EMT who has a passion for knitting and music.

"I never would have known!" Buck laughs as he interacts with her.

"I can switch in and out of this accent I have. No one takes a female German EMT seriously".

"Well, you don't have to switch it out with me Rebecca. I don't judge." Buck says seriously.

"Thanks. And call me Becca. Ok, Buckley?"

"You can call me Buck." Becca nods in agreement and they run off as the siren rings.

{~} {~}

Michelangelo wasn't what Buck had expected. He didn't know what to expect of him at first. The captain of his station, Stephen, paired Buck with Michelangelo so he can learn the rope of the station. They get along just ok at first, but they ended up bonding on Buck's first call at the new station.

{~} {~}

_"Everyone, this is our new recruit, Evan Buckley, transferring from the 118. He has been with them for 2 years so there's no need to show him how a fire truck works." The comment elicits laughs from the team and a small smile from Buck. "I expect everyone to treat him with respect as he is one of us now. Michelangelo! You're going to show him the ropes of the station. Don't break him" Captain Stephen sends Buck off with Michelangelo._

_"Hey I'm Michelangelo but you can call me Miguel, follow me I'll show you around." Mike smiled._

_He's tall. Not that tall but still..._

_He was about 2 inches taller than Buck, and he had a body that was curved in all the right ways._

_While his body and whole demeanor screamed intimidating and cruel, Buck noted that he had soft eyes. Buck noted this as he was shown where everything is._

_"And this is sort of the main communal area. We all come here to sleep, play games, and relax after or in between calls." Buck takes a look around and sees a TV with a PS4, Billiards, comfortable La-Z Boy couches, and a wall containing varies books and movies._

_"Well now that you know where everything is, go find people and make friends." Buck hesitates to go out to the common area. "Nervous tough guy?"_

_"Y-yea sorry. Still getting used to transferring after being with my old team for so long. ..they were family "_

_Mike asked why he transferred if they were his family._

_Buck told him it was a breach of trust of someone._

_Mike didn't ask him to elaborate. He didn't have time after the siren went off._

_"Ready to roll man?" asks Mike. Buck nods in an affirmation and tries to ignore the beat of his fast pacing heart as he hears it's a car pileup._

_Stephen explains that there's a two-car pileup with one confirmed dead and two others critically hurt. They get to the scene and it's brutal._

_A drunk driver collided into a car with a woman and her daughter, who is still little. They can get the daughter out of the car and get to work on the mom. The daughter has no injuries but is scared._

_She wants her mom, but Buck picks her up and distracts her._

_"Hey there, I'm Buck what's your name?"_

_"Rhyan," the little girl says in a small voice._

_"Where's my mom?" asks Rhyan on the verge of tears_

_"Um...here." Buck holds his arms out and Rhyan walks into them, he picks her up and turns her away from the scene._

_"Want to play a game? I want to play a game." Rhyan nods yes._

_"Ok let's play I, Spy. You go first." Buck says as he looks back at his crew. He sees Mike and Becca give a thumbs up. Indicating that they are almost done. He sees a gurney wheeled towards the car. He stops when he feels Rhyan shaking in his arms._

_"Buck...I'm scared..." Rhyan says in a trembling voice_

_"I know...and it's ok to be scared."_

_"It is?"_

_"Yea, even I get scared sometimes and it's ok. You know why? When you're scared, it means you can cry, and when you cry, someone can come to help you. And that's not scary right?" He asks as she buries her head in his shoulder._

_"When I'm scared, my momma sings me a song," Rhyan says in a muffled voice._

_"Will that help you not be afraid?" he asks as he sees the mother being put on the gurney._

_"I have a song...um...my sister used to sing this to me when I was scared:_

_🎵 Let's go in the garden_

_You'll find something waiting Right there where you left it_

_Lying upside down_

_When you finally find it_

_You'll see how it's faded_

_The underside is lighter_

_When you turn it around,_

_Everything stays Right where you left it Everything stays_

_But it still changes_

_Ever so slightly_

_Daily and nightly_

_In little ways_

_When everything stays 🎵_

_Buck stops singing when he fells Rhyan fall asleep on him. He hops into the front of the ambulance and rides it to the hospital. Mike is driving while Becca and two others are stabilizing the mother._

_"You're good with kids," Mike whispers so as not to wake up the girl._

_"Thanks. Will the mom be ok?"_

_"She will be," says Mike_

_"So will her baby."_

_They were both right_

{~} {~}

"If you ever need anything, anything at all...I got your back." Mike says as he pats Buck's back and begins to remove his gear.

"Thanks. S-same here." Buck says pausing removing his gear but continues.

He tries to ignore the pang of pain and heartbreak as he remembers the same words spoken to him by Eddie, not so long ago.

{~} {~}

After a total of 8 months of working together, Mike asks Buck a question.

It was a cloudy but still warm September day and Buck was on his way out of the station when he was stopped by Mike.

"Want to go out for lunch or dinner sometime soon?"

Buck nods in confirmation, looking everywhere but Mike's hazel eyes, trying to suppress the blush and heat creeping up his face. He accepted after a long while debating with himself.

{~} {~}

_"Do you want to go out with this man Evan?" asks his therapist the very same day._

_"I do but..." Buck hesitates in his answer. His therapist is patient in waiting for an answer._

_"But I'm scared...terrified even of what is going to happen."_

_"Are you expecting something to happen?"_

_"No...honestly, I didn't think I would find anyone after Eddie. And I do want to go out with him, but what if it gets serious?"_

_"Are you afraid of the commitment?"_

_"No that's not it...I'm just afraid that I'll get hurt again"._

_"Don't be afraid to let someone in again."_

{~} {~}

They both agreed to lunch at Leaning Tower Pizza, one of Buck's favorite places to eat.

Lunch was fun and sweet and not at all pressuring for Buck. He was comfortable with Mike. Mike talked about his life and didn't ask Buck any uncomfortable questions. They learned so much about each other.

Mike was a secret avid Pixar fan while Buck was a sucker for John Wick style movies.

Buck learned that Mike was 31 years old and originally from Chicago.

"So is it true that Chicago is home to the deep dish pizza? Sorry that LA Pizza might not be as good as in Chicago" Buck laughed as he munched on his pizza.

"Honestly? I'm not the kind of person to judge pizza. As long as it doesn't have pineapple, I don't care where it's from" Mike says back smiling

_That oh so perfect smile_

"Cheers to that"

They shared the Cookie Monster Special for dessert

It's perfect

{~} {~}

About 2 months later, on a chilly 60°F day, Mike kissed Buck

Slowly, giving Buck a chance to back down if needed

His knees went weak as the taller man bent down to kiss him

He didn't pull away

He was happy

{~} {~}

_"I don't know if I should tell him about what happened..."_

_"You trust this man right Evan?"_

_"With my life, on and off the field"_

_"How long how you two been going out?"_

_"Well we don't exactly have a label just yet...we've only been going out for almost 7 months but I think things are starting to get serious...I think I'm falling in love with him, and that's scaring me because the last time I fell this hard was with Eddie..." Buck says as he lifts a hand to scrub down his face._

_"I'm conflicted right now because I want to tell him everything, but what if he makes fun of me or thinks I'm disgusting for letting It happen to me...rationally I know that he isn't that kind of person...but I'm just so scared" Buck says as he feels his voice begin to crack._

_"Listen to Evan. .. I'm not exactly qualified as a relationship counselor, but I can tell you this. From what I've heard, this Mike cares for you, and he would want you to be happy. Maybe get the opinions and advice from people you trust most and then go from there. But personally, if you want to trust Mike, or at least see if he'll stick around, then tell him and that way you can commit to this relationship fully and you can let go of this anxiety when you are with him. But remember that this is a big step, and only you can be 100% comfortable with it "_

_Buck nods as he processes the information._

_He knows what he has to do_

_"Thank you, Dr. Kiernan. "_

_"Of course, Evan. Let me know how it goes when I see you next week"_

{~} {~}

Buck was Maddie's kitchen, setting the table for the two of them while Maddie cooked his favorite garlic tomato pasta.  
"Don't get used to this Evan" Maddie says in a smile as she places the pot of pasta in the middle of the table while Buck pours them both some wine from her cabinet.

They catch up, even though they get together every week. But Buck hasn't told Maddie about Mike yet, he wants to keep him for himself for a little while, but he has to ask her this question.

"I have something to tell you, Maddie," Buck says after he takes a deep swig of his wine. Maddie puts her glass down and leans forward, indicating that she's listening.

"Ok...this isn't easy for me to say this...but I've been seeing someone" Buck waits for Maddie to respond, but when he doesn't hear anything he looks up and sees Maddie smiling.

"Really?"

"Yea...his name is Michelangelo...or Mike for short" Buck says, feeling a weight come off of his shoulders. He doesn't know why he was nervous to tell Maddie about this, she doesn't judge him. Buck ends up spending the next hour telling Maddie the story of how they met, how their first date went, and how awesome he is.

"I trust him, on and off the field no matter what..."

"But?"

"But I want to tell him"

"Tell him what-" Maddie asks in confusion then understands when the implications sink.

"Evan...you know that I love you and I support you no matter what right?" Maddie asks as Buck as he nods. "I just want to make sure you are 100% ready for that because this is a big step in the relationship. No matter what you decide, I'll support you no matter what. But first, I want to meet him."

"What you want to size him up first?"

"Always"

{~} {~}

He debated with himself for almost a week on how he is going to tell Mike about it.

_"Tell him in a place where you are comfortable and when you are ready"_

Maddie had told him this

He'll do it tonight

Mike is supposed to come over to his apartment and cook for both of them

_"I didn't know you could cook!" Buck says as he walks into Mike's apartment for the first time. The scent of chicken wafting through the air as soon as Buck walked in._

_"I love cooking. I just never have the chance to" Mike says as he places a bowl of chicken and pork mixed with rice._

_"Here try this. It's my specialty"_

_Buck takes a spoonful of everything mixed and eats it._

_"Oh my god ..." Buck melts at the delicious flavors_

"Hello, my dear," says Mike as he enters Buck's apartment. He shuts the door behind him and gives Buck a soft kiss. It makes Buck melt, even after 7 months of dating, he still goes weak in the knees. Buck smiles and places his hands on Mike's face and runs his fingers through the short yet vibrant curly red hair.

"Any requests tonight?" asks Mike as he pulls back and places a bottle of water in Buck's hand.

"Surprise me, but can it be light tonight?" Buck asks opening the bottle and taking a sip while Mike nods.

The next hour shows Mike flowing around the kitchen, talking to Buck as he cooks while Buck sets the table. When Buck looks up, it almost as if Mike is dancing.

_Ever so elegantly_

{~} {~}

Mike ends up making them both a Spinach salad with breaded chicken, grapefruit, mozzarella cheese, and candied walnuts.

They both eat in comfortable peaceful silence.

Once dinner was over:

_It felt too soon_

Buck took a long sip of his wine, bracing himself for a conversation that he doesn't even want to have

But he has to, he trusts Mike and doesn't want secrets.

"Miguel? I...I need to talk to you " Buck asks and Mike knows that something is up. Buck calls him Mike all the time just as he calls Buck Evan all the time as he loves his name.

_The only time he called him Miguel was when he was having an asthma attack at the fire station._

_Saying the name Miguel means an emergency, Buck is in trouble, or a serious conversation is about to happen._

Mike sits across Buck at the kitchen table and waits for him to begin. Mike feels his heart pick up when he sees Buck take a deep breath in and out. Buck unconsciously reaches out a hand and Mike immediately takes it.

"I've been wanting to tell you this for a while, but it isn't easy for me to say. Before I say it, I want you to know that I'm in therapy for it, and I am getting the appropriate help." Mike looks up, indicating that he's listening wholeheartedly and squeezes Buck's hand in encouragement. Buck takes another deep breath in and out.

"I was sexually assaulted"


End file.
